i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
