If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
