First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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