I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
