I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
