I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
