The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
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Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
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One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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