I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
