We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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