I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
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I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
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Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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