He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
