If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
