I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
