grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
