ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
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I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
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He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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