I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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