as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
