I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
