I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
