Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
