If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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