I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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