How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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