I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
