I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
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As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
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Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.