i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again