I'm lost and stupid without you.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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