Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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