can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck