I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
