We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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