if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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