I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
