Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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