He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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