Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
