My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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