She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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