The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
