Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
