so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
