TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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