i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my shit smells like andre
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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