FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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