Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
