I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Did I show you my penis last night?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
