I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
