I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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