Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
