I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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