i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
