Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
