Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
