How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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