The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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