the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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