I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
