I hate all girls vehemently.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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