To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
